have you ever wanted something so bad, you start to think of different outcomes or scenarios that can possibly happen and how you may be able to achieve your goals? for eg. initiating a break-up (bad example), or maybe getting a scholarship or scoring at an interview.  I dunnot if my mind is particularly active but i start to think of all possible questions that may be thrown at me, whether logical or nosensical and then i envision the audience’s response. I start getting really nervous about the whole situation cos i want something good to come out of it, but a part of me says, the more desperate i am the worse it might be. Better to go in with an open mind with little expectations than to expect a lot and then fail miserably right? But then again, if you showcase your eagerness/enthusiasm in a right way, the panel of judges/employer may see you at a go-getter rather than a eager beaver/pathetic loser? but of cos this doesnt apply during a break-up situation- the more amicable the outcome the better obviously.

this thing about expectations really get to me. my mind trails off somewhere with some random thoughts about how happy i would be if im successful ultimately. And i want to be in that state!! question is how to make that happen. Im kinda getting crazy just thinking all the “right”stuff i will say, just to land me a scholarship, the right job etc. and it is getting so bad that my throat is clamming up and i feel like its getting increasingly to swallow. goddamit. i seriously need to chill.

on a rather random note, i was at church yesterday and one of the choir members did a solo during their song item. i suddenly wished i was also doing that bcos afterall, i did undergo vocal training and my singing voice aint that bad (not the karaoke type of voice). somehow i am thinking i should put these talents to better use. it has crossed my mind to join like the s’pore youth choir or whatever, but i never got down to even finding out if qualify. i think i should. and i want to learn the violin someday. and i want to play in a band again- concert band. i missed that. The feeling of accomplishment, the high you get when you perform a piece and you know the  band sounds good. the feeling you are really involved in something and you get something back (audiences applause or çompliments from the band instructor).

i may be going through my mid-life crisis i think. or im losing my grip on my life at present. i seriously need some re-inventions/new engagements to feel excited all over again.  i want to showcase what i am good at. All i need is the opportunity. and i cannot afford to screw up if ive got 1 chance. i simply cannot.